Saturday, January 14, 2012

Sleeping Dragon





With all the energy and enthusiasm it took me to move here and get settled, I found this last month, that I didn't have anything left over for creativity, achievement, or even basic striving. I came to Sydney with a big idea to start a new life, to reinvent myself, and to jump into the stream of possibilities and potential. I was at a good point in my life where I felt I had accomplished a lot. I had the confidence that comes with loads of experience, good solid friendships, and clear goals for my future.

The move here went pretty smoothly and I got off to a good start with being active and out-going. I contacted people whose names I had been given, and had a few social outings. I put together a resume and got a job. I figured out the city and went to lots of cultural events. I wanted to foster an image (for myself and for observers) of a confident, creative, capable woman. I do believe that I am that kind of person. I just don't feel it all the time.

For whatever reasons, I have gotten to a point where I just feel empty and completely unmotivated. I can't think of making a plan for the day, let alone inventing my future. It is like I am having a creative blackout. Intellectually, there is a part of my brain that says "get up, go to the beach, go to a museum, research design ideas on the internet, etc." I try to hang on this thread, but it is not the same as a fully centered, creative drive.

Being a moody person, I am familiar with this internal scenario and maybe other people recognize it too. Sometimes I despair when I get into these states. I cry and am hard on myself. I have a hard time believing anything good about myself. At best, I seem to be just wasting time. Lately, though, I am pretty good at stepping back and seeing the bigger picture. Being in a new place with the stress of a major life transition makes it easy to excuse myself and allow for a little regression. I have decided to give myself one year of permission to be less than fabulous - a training or probationary period if you will - where I will not judge myself or my surroundings too harshly.

Anyway, I listened to the superego, grownup part of my brain that told me to do something creative at least once a week, even if I didn't feel inspired, and even if I didn't like the results. I worked on what seemed to be small projects in random categories, and in the end (or at least up till now, not really the end) I have a small pile of things that I am more than mildly pleased with. I made the girls shortie pajamas that turned out quite cute. I made Valerie a black maxi-skirt with a sheered stretch waist band. I crocheted two necklaces for myself, and I made myself a really cute dress inspired by one of my favorite design stores here called Gorman.

I also drew some sketches of dragons. Back in August I went to Art Gallery of New South Wales and saw some cool dragons in the Asian art. I got the idea that I wanted to try to make a screen print of a dragon. I want it to be fierce and magical but cute and minimalist. I am still trying to get a nice energetic curve in the body, but I am pretty pleased with the way they are developing.

As I was drawing I realized that the dragon would be a great motif for some of the stitching projects that I am going to have to do for my Embroidery Guild course that I am starting next month. Then I found out that this coming year in the Chinese calendar is the Year of the Dragon! Quelle coincidence! I found out that the year of the dragon is characterized by courage, energy, enthusiasm, and unpredictability. It sounds like it should be good for me.

There are going to be loads of Chinese New Year activities coming up in about a week. I am excited to see the parades, fireworks, dragon boat races and Chinese art. I will take lots of photos and post about it afterwards.

The photo of the ferret is just too cool not to post. I found it on google images from anfractuousity.
Sorry about the quality on the photos of my dress. They are from a skype shot my sister Sharon took of me. Sorry about the mess in my bedroom too.

4 comments:

  1. The mess in your bedroom is ok, the quality of the photos is ok, feeling lazy is ok, having no plans is ok, being moody is ok...we are humans, after all.
    It seems to me that you have done a lot since you started the blog. Do not be discouraged, it takes a while to adjust to a new life.
    When I moved out of my husband's house, I gave myself 1 year of patience and forgivness for the way I felt (exactly as you feel). You know what? I started being active and productive and proud of myself again, somewhere into the year, without even realising it, and before you mentioned it I had completely forgotten about the 'gap year' I had granted myself.
    We should aim to progression, not perfection! One day at a time.

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  2. Thanks so much Blandina! your comment mean a lot to me. I appreciate the wisdom and encouragement, and it helps to know others have gone through similar feelings. I am happy to have "met" you.

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  3. Sheila, I love your dress. Did you design the pattern also? I think you have done amazingly well in your new home town. I have enjoyed all the adventures you and the girls and David are having.I remember 25 years ago when we moved to the great Northwest. I was desolate at first but I joined several clubs did some volunteer work and took up gardening and soon this place is my real"Home"!Sidney will soon be your "Home" too.Love Gramma Joan

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  4. Thanks for the encouragement Mom. I remember you being unhappy when you first moved to P.A. but now it seems perfect for you. Yes, I did make the pattern for the dress. I made the necklaces in the last photo of me as well. :)

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