Early Work - Keeping Up

I guess all my creativity has gone into my school work over the past six months - that and the fact that I have been struggling a little bit to find my focus and direction.

School has been a challenge in many ways, some good and some bad, but overall, it has helped me move forward.  I feel like I am much clearer about the things I need to do to be a textile designer.

There are so many things to write about - from the actual projects, to the school politics, to group dynamics and personalities of the students and teachers, to my creative musings - I should have kept up, but I didn't and now I have to either back-track, or skip it, or try to sum it up.

I think I'll just start and go forward randomly (as is my usual style).  One thing I have learned, and continue to learn, is that it is so important to be true to my own ideas and vision.  I know this sounds like a cliché, but when you see the negative results of not doing this, it really hits home.  Sometimes this is hard to do because you have to follow a brief, or you doubt your own taste, or you simply don't have the technical capabilities to manifest your vision.  Being in school has been a good place to learn, to research, to play around with ideas and to practice, practice, practice.  I know I have lots of room to keep growing (and that is exciting) but I am not too shy to say that I think I have come a long way, and I can see my progress in my work.  I don't want to appear to be bragging or showing off, but I think some people want to see what I have been up to, so here are a few examples: the first two are exercises from the beginning of the year, and the last three are artwork and a class print project.

all of our deco designs mixed together. mine is the lilac and teal crystals in the front. they will be cut and sewn into seat covers for an event

phase one of a fabric print design

The computer has proven to be the biggest challenge but also one of the biggest potential tools in design and printing.  I managed to get over one major hump with the help of a friend (yay!) and now I feel a little more capable.  It is still a whole foreign territory for me, my mind does not work the way the computer's does, but I am learning it like I would learn a foreign language.  This is a recent design exercise:

I am going to be scanning all my work and putting the best into a portfolio (we have to do it as part of our curriculum) so I will post more of the recent stuff soon.

Next time I will write about the time I spend at school and how that whole thing is a challenge.  I've been managing to keep up with my assignments, and just managing to stay healthy and sane.  Sorry I haven't kept up with the writing.

Autumn Break

Last week felt like a week from some science fiction novel about life in a modern, urban-saturated world.  From horrifying world events being posted minute by minute on the web, to having my debit card sucked into the machine and confiscated because I suddenly couldn't remember my pin number (I still can't remember it.  It is like it was erased from my brain), to David's skin infection coming back, the world seemed like Koioniskatski? - life out of balance.

For my part, I blame hormones and hours spent alone hunched over a drawing pad or searching internet images for everything from traditional Japanese Mol designs, to color pallets, to 1960s models striking absurd poses.  Switching from that brain mode to practical, pragmatic details can be wrenching.  Also, I wasn't interacting with people, either on Skype or in real-life, so I went a little spacey.

I have been on break from school which gives me  time to slow down a little bit. The weather has finally turned cold and the rain was so fierce this morning that the streets were flooding and the sky was black most of the day.  David and I were going to go away for the week-end but we couldn't make up our minds where we wanted to go, then we couldn't get tickets, so we are not going anywhere.   It's  just as well.  It gives me more time to catch up on all my school assignments and to procrastinate drinking tea and reading Facebook.  At some point, we will go to Hobart or Adelaide, but not this time.

Anyway, I have gotten a lot of drawing and painting done, and I have organized two of my portfolios. I did a painting for a fabric design that I was really pleased with.  The basic look of it and the colors were just what I had envisioned so it felt good to know that I could actually manifest an idea.

some sketches

the colors don't look that good in the photo 

I also went out for a glass of wine with one of my class mates last wednesday.  She is a French woman who has worked in the fashion industry in France but relocated to Australia and is working on getting re-established here.  We had a really nice time sipping wine at The White Horse, and chatting about school, Sydney, and life.  (Coincidentally,  a guy was playing the stand up base and singing french jazz classics like La Vie en Rose, while we there).

Another thing that got me out of my pajamas was our date with Nicole and her gang to meet her younger sister who is visiting from NYC.  The gathering was at a basement bar in the city called Uncle Ming's.  It was described as reminiscent of a 1920's Chinese opium bar.  The atmosphere was actually quite cozy and fun.  There was no smoking (of any kind) going on, but the drinks were yummy and the decor was clever and artfully done.  As the evening went on, it got louder and the music was turned up, so we had to shout, but I still managed to have several good conversations.  I even managed to talk to Nicole and her sister just before we left.

Uncle Ming's

We took a cab home through damp streets and I watched the blur of street signs and traffic lights.  I didn't feel happy or sad, just distracted and ever-so-slightly like Mary Tyler Moore at the beginning of her show thinking I might just make it after all.

Shadow and Light

Last Wednesday I came home from school in the evening and cried my eyes out.  I was a little surprised by the intensity of my emotions at first, but later when I thought about it, it made sense.  I had had a disappointing, frustrating day, also, I was a little sleep deprived, but there was more to it than that.

I had just spent two happy weeks with one of my best friends in the world.  Lisa made the big trip down with her daughter and we had spent hours and hours talking about life and art (what else is there?).  We went to beaches and bakeries and gardens, but mostly we looked at art and the artistic nature of the city in architecture, shop windows, and even gutters.  We were mostly on the same wavelength, but a great thing about our relationship is that we have the ability to tell the other person an opposing viewpoint without confrontation.  We take advice from each other, or we have a laugh and reject it, but it is all without judgement or conflict.

It was so special to have her here.

The house felt empty and I cried a little bit when they left.  They left on Easter which was also my sister Peggy's birthday, and one day past the anniversary of her death.  It has been more than a decade and I still feel the same frustration, despair, and sadness over the loss of her.  I have a slightly bigger view of life and death and the world now which allows me some retreat from those emotions, but she is still gone, and I still miss her.

It was also the same week as the anniversary of the death of our dear friend Joel who died suddenly last year.  David was gone to Los Angeles during that week so he was able to share a drink with friends and colleagues to honor him.  David came home exhausted and upset because he had contracted a staff infection on his nose while he was gone.   It was not his best trip.

Through all this, I was obsessed with getting my school work done.  I had been working on a Pop Art brief for about three weeks, getting inspirations, developing ideas in artwork, and organizing possible themes and projects.  I also had my painting work and all my other classes to keep up with.  Everywhere I looked I saw pop art influences - it is everywhere.  I kept thinking "how can I make it uniquely mine"?  By Easter afternoon I had all my materials and my to do list.  It was due on Tuesday so everything was winding up.  I took over the kitchen table and worked for about 12 hours.  Then I worked for about another 9 or 10 hours on Monday (we had the day off for what is known as Easter Monday).  I was a little let down when I showed it to the teacher.  She said mine was good but she didn't really get excited about it.  Lot's of people didn't show up, a few people hadn't finished, or they had but they hadn't understood the project and had done it wrong.

Then on Wednesday I went into the print room to do my final print of my sunglasses design.  It was going to be a two color and I had decided to do mint and peach on beige.  I wasn't happy with the last two color runs that I had done and I was determined to get this one right.  Long story short - I had to pick different colors and I was really frustrated and dissatisfied with it.  By the time I got home with my pile of mediocre fabric, I just collapsed and sobbed.

It wasn't that the fabric was so bad, it was just that I had an idea, I tried to manifest it, and it fell short.  I don't know why, but on an emotional level, this whole design program, for me, feels like a risk.  I feel like I am putting myself out there, baring my soul to a world that I don't really know, and subjecting myself to the possibility of ridicule and rejection.  That sounds dramatic, and the adult side of me says "don't be silly; other people don't matter; you have to take risks; mistakes are how we learn; blah, blah blah!" But the rest of me is getting exhausted by the exercise.

I am not going to quit.  I am still thrilled to be doing it.  I love the work and my classes.  I am learning and hopefully growing everyday.  I love coming up with new ideas, and I like a lot of what I produce.  I have already come some ways from where I started.  That all exists along side the struggles, confusion, insecurities, and doubt.  It takes me a fair amount of energy to fight against the part of me that says "I don't want to get out of bed today; I will never succeed; my work is out of touch with the rest of the world."

Lisa at the White Rabbit gallery

So: missing friend, death of sister, sick husband, completion of a big project, frustration with creative process - all equal a big emotional breakdown and release.  I didn't put it all together till a few days later, but it released some endorphins at the time and helped me sleep.

Everyone talks about being happy.  What does it mean?  Choose to be happy.  Always put  your best foot forward.  Smile even if it is a fake smile.  Say that you can do something and that you are happy with your work even if it is not true.

I can see the benefit of this trick.  I can see that it can have a positive effect.  But it bothers me that people are so easily swayed, that they choose this simple, false posturing over true, complex humanity.  I am not saying that negativity is the way (although I love Woody Allen's comment about life being divided between the horrible and the miserable!).  I just think that it is easier, richer, and truer to acknowledge the whole spectrum of thoughts, feelings, and attitudes.

I loved the talk by Patti Smith where she talks about life being good and bad, happiness and pain.  I also love the quote about true humanity being the willingness to play on in the face of sure defeat.  I love the Jungian concept of the shadow self and that it takes all parts to make a whole person.  I think we all need a good cry sometimes and I am glad that it comes easily for me when I need it.

Computer Says… Yes.

I just have time for a quick update.  I should be doing more homework, but as I sit here and think of all the things I did last week (and the things I didn't get to), I realize that I have to record some of it lest it be forgotten.

In school I have been doing some printing, experimenting with color mixing and placement of the screen.  This has not all been successful, but it is a trial phase.  I have done loads of sketches and design development with various media - paints, paper, tissue, pencils and pens. I worked for hours and finally came up with a repeat pattern for our first brief which is due tuesday.  Most exciting though, I have gone from drawing curves, to making and filling shapes, to pathfinder, to building a block repeat on Adobe Illustrator!  I am so pleased that (so far) I have not thrown up my arms and chucked my computer out the window.  I hope that I am building a strong foundation that will make the more advanced work easier.  I hope I don't hit a wall, or a cliff, or whatever nasty metaphor suits.

Shleping to and fro on the bus is difficult especially at rush hour which I am usually in the middle of both morning and evening.  The worst part is being packed in with coughing people.  So, It is no surprise that I got another cold.  This time it was just three days of no voice (really) and the week-end of coughing (lovely).  Since I wasn't feeling too badly, I went out with David on two date-type nights.  One was to see Nick Cave at the Opera House. The other was to see an experimental play at the wharf at Walsh Bay.  Nick Cave put on a great show, very theatrical and energetic.  I was mostly just impressed with myself for being out in public and still part of the scene (albeit a small part).

I was so sorry to miss the Mardi Gras parade this year.  Nicole was marching in it and she invited us to a wild after party but I was just too worn out to go after the play.  Next year for sure.

I had a sweet little breakfast date with my daughter Valerie at the new Kepos Cafe around the corner from our house.  It was fun to sit in this cozy place, listen to the rain, gab and eat delicious, healthy food.  I had granola loaded with hazelnuts and topped with stewed figs and fresh yogurt, and Val had a huge bowl of strawberries and pomegranate seeds with yogurt and mint flavored with rosewater.

Whether it is work or play, night or day, I keep my eyes and ears open.  I watch for trends and I see patterns everywhere.  I notice weird or stylish people.  I listen in on conversations (only when people are being loud).  It's entertaining and meaningful to me, and I wish I could get paid for it.

School Daze

looks a little like kindergarten 

in the printing studio

Alena photobombing me!

my color wheel based on a Bauhaus design from 1931.  Pretty cool.

Well, I have been in school for two weeks now.  Sorry that I took this long to write.  It is the nature of things that the more exciting and full and memorable one's time is, the less time one has to write about it.  I have made a little outline for myself so I can remember what I wanted to say and so I can be quick and concise about it.  I could go on and write a novel already, but I won't since I don't have the time and you probably don't either.

This brings up two other issues that I forgot to put on the outline: going faster, and being more organized and to the point.

Anyway, to start at the beginning:

The first days were so exciting.  I was not nervous because I only had myself to please and my only goal was to get as much out of it as I could to push myself along artistically.  Straight away, the people and teachers seemed nice, easy-going, and supportive.  The other students are a mixed bunch- very mixed in age, backgrounds, and ethnicity.  The only uniformity is that (except for one) we are all women.  As usual, there are quiet people, loud mouths, highly competent students who do everything correctly and with ease, and flounderers and flakes.  I would be one of the flounderers.  However, since there are 15 of us that are together in all classes, we have to work together, get to know more than the surface of each other, and hopefully become friends to some extent.  As one of the teachers said, we have to be nice to each other because we don't know who of us will become famous, and we want to be on their good side.

The teachers are all women in their late 30s to mid 50s probably.  They are all artists with eccentric personalities who seem to like teaching, but love doing design and printing more.  Our Colour teacher wants us to have fun and be kind to ourselves.  We will be spending 2 and a half hours monday morning playing with color using gouache paint and our color wheels.  After that, we have her for Fibers, where we will learn about the important features of various fabrics. Some people find this course dull and unnecessary, but it is my idea of fun.

The first day of class she told us how she had a successful business with one of the other teachers, but they were too much alike and when they went to India and Asia on a buying trip, they were having too much fun riding motor scooters and chasing boys, and they stayed too long and spent all their money and gave up the business.  Her advice was to go into business with someone who is different to yourself.  This other woman is our teacher for Design, and for our Printing studio.  She is fun and artsy, and a little bit Rock and Roll.  She doesn't talk a lot but gets very enthusiastic about looking at and producing designs.  We spend SIX hours in the print studio with her every Wednesday and 2 hours with her learning about the elements of design such as value, texture, color, line; and the principles, such as repetition, proportion, harmony and balance.

The other classes are: Drawing - 2.5 hours a week of terrifying, therapy-inducing, ego-challenging pencil and paper calisthenics; Computers - again, all of the above with a mouse and a screen instead of pencil and paper; Designs for Printing where we actually construct and form or images into the final artwork that goes on the screens.

tables for printing 3 meters of fabric

the teacher showing us how to blast the screens

I can't believe I get to spend three solid days a week for a year doing this stuff.  It is scary, sometimes painful, and exhausting.  But, it is also thrilling, endorphin producing, and rewarding.  I have dreamed about doing this for so long that I thought it was just a fantasy or a cop-out excuse for not being satisfied with what I was doing.  I always imagined that if I could get the support, the structure, and the instruction to do and improve my craft, I could really work and produce the kinds of textiles and products that I wanted to, then I would be satisfied and happy.

Now it is actually happening and it does feel really good.  It is a positive, fun, creative thing and it feels like a dream.

That is not to say that it is a piece of cake.  The work load is, as they say, "full on".  The amount of work is compounded by the struggle with old emotional baggage; the voices in my head saying "you are bad at this," "you can't do it," "you can't keep up," etc.  and the other side saying "just do it, "don't give up,"  "do what you like," etc.  There is no way I am giving up, not a chance, but it is exhausting, emotionally, to face these demons.  I have to reprogram my brain to say "Yes, I will make mistakes, but I will learn from them because the goal is not ego judgement, but design production and print work plain and simple."

Part of my hold up is that I am, by nature, a slow moving person.  I am also non-linear (i.e. disorganized).  I don't feel too bad about this because I think there are positive aspects of it.  I like being creative and thoughtful and careful.  However, in order to get as much as possible out of our one year course, and to get us used to the demands of a fast moving industry, we are expected to move fast and absorb and keep track of a multitude of subjects, projects, and tasks.  I am trying to get used to making lists so I can go back to whatever I have missed.  I am working a lot in the evenings to finish what I don't finish in class.  And, really, it wouldn't hurt me to learn to be a little bit faster.

I am also, simply exhausted from so much happiness.  I am not used to being able (in fact, being asked) to focus all day on my own ideas and creativity.  It is a strange feeling.  Lucky me.

just because I always like to show flowers - the lotus blossoms at the botanical gardens

and  I like the lines on this lily

Chinese New Year in the park

and in the QVB shopping center. great lines and shapes for printing inspiration

I cut back my retail job to 2 days, and I have the week-end to do homework and housework, maybe have a little fun going out or to the beach and spend time with my family.  I will also really, really try to write because it is so important to me to chronicle and to share this crazy journey.

I can just see a vague outline of my future self.  It is somewhere in between the linear and the non-linear, the verbal and the non-verbal, the creative and the rational.  It is being formed by what I think, what I do, and what I record.

The Big Story

this is a picture of our backyard. it sums everything up - the garbage from the fire, the wet rain, and the palms burned from the extreme heat.

Sometimes it might seem trite to talk about the weather, but this really is the big story from the last two weeks. I'll talk about it in Fahrenheit since that is what I and most of the readers here will relate to.

It had been hovering around the low 80s for a few weeks which was pretty nice, some clouds and fleeting showers every once in a while. Then it shot up to low 90s, which is pretty rough with high humidity. Then one day, it went up to 112 (some said 115) degrees. It was so hot that it burned the humidity right out of the air. There was a music festival that day and 29 people were rushed to the hospital with heat stroke.  I had to walk 10 minutes from the bus to my job and I am not being dramatic when I say that it felt like walking through a reverse blizzard.  I felt I had to use the same determination to survive.  I walked in the shade the whole way, I walked slowly so as not to increase my body temperature, and I stopped in at the neighbourhood shop and bought something I never do - a bottle of Coke! Boy, was it good!  It was the hottest day in Sydney's recorded history.  After that, we had a week of hot, humid weather of the common variety.  Basic sticky, sweaty days and only slightly cooler nights.

Then, three days ago, I woke up to the sound of rain on the roof. It was a welcome break from the heat, but it hasn't stopped.  The constant rain, not pouring, not drizzle, just rain, is part of a cyclone.  This is a new weather experience for me. It's really not cold so we still have to turn on the AC or leave the doors open and let the mosquitoes in.  There have been flood warnings in outlying areas but we seem to be fine here.

Things seem really quiet with most people staying inside.  It has been good for me to keep steady with the house recovery, last minute sewing and needlework projects, and getting Valerie and myself ready for school.  She started today and I start tomorrow.  I am looking forward to it and I am glad I will be out of the house because the construction workers are coming to put down new floors upstairs.  Hopefully, we will get carpeting shortly after that.

I am off to buy a printer to replace our old one that got ruined in the fire.  Picture me schlepping through the city in the rain lugging a big heavy printer...

Turn the Page

After Christmas I had a week off of work, and I spent it going to the beach, out to eat, wandering around parks and museums, trying to make it feel like a holiday in the city.  We wanted to go on a little jaunt out of town either up or down the coast, but that was a foolish dream.  Everything imaginable within a three hour drive was booked solid, and even if we could have gotten a room, the rates are about tripled for the month when everyone has off and wants them.  So, now we are thinking of taking a long week-end in February, and we made the best of our "staycation." 

Noah went back to California (safe and sound) and the parents are braver and stronger as a result of letting their son go for two weeks.  Well done S and B.  Valerie left the next day to meet up with her best friend in Singapore.  She is staying with her friend and her friend's parents who have a house there.  It is quite an adventure for her and the few times we have skyped, she seems to be having a thrilling, joyful time.

It is quiet around the apartment now.  David spent several days last week cleaning up our stuff, putting furniture back in place, for the big move BACK to our old house.  The repairs are mostly done, and the stink is mostly gone.  We went shopping to replace damaged appliances and bedding, hoping to take advantage of free time and sales, but it was very unsuccessful.  (I can't bear to convey all the shortcomings of the Australian retail world right here and now.  I don't want to sound like a greedy, spoiled American, but I will have to devote a post to it sometime when I get over my shock and dismay). We did manage to get a toaster and kettle, so the essentials are covered.

We are going back there next Saturday whether or not it is finished.  We can't get anymore leniency from the insurance company and we need to try to reestablish a life routine for the beginning of the new school term.  David is back at work, I start my textile design program on the 30th of January (two weeks!), and Valerie is back at school on the 31st.  So, even though it is still hot out, our summer hols are almost over.

Turning towards the new year, and a new page in our Sydney adventure, I have been trying to focus on my artistic ideas and endeavors.  I got really inspired by a little article written by my friend Kitya Palaskas.  It was all about goal setting and getting re-inspired for the new year.  I highly recommend reading it HERE.  Anyway, I went through and wrote out all my goals and to dos, and it really helped get me excited and ready to do my best in the start of this next phase of my life.

I got some new books for Christmas full of ideas and inspirations.  I love all the textures in the crochet and stitching.  This book is called Filet Crochet by Betty Barnden.  I have always wanted to do this kind of crochet but didn't know how.  Since I will be mostly busy doing design and printing over the next year, I think I will adapt some of these images or the idea of crochet images, into a printed design.  But I will do this crochet in the future.

David got me these lovely books.  Both are good additions to my library, and wonderful for inspiration.  I hope to become more knowledgable of the personalities of the Arts and Crafts Textile world, beyond William Morris.  This means I have to do more than just look at the pictures.

I do want to try one new stitching method that I have never done before, so I am going to try smocking.  I have always been intrigued by this and I want to make myself a linen smock a la 1920s, so this is going to be handy.

One of the things I need to do for the upcoming year, as usual, is to organize my time.  I know I will be busier than usual, but I will really try to be faithful to my blog.  I really want to stay in touch, and writing helps me to keep track of my thoughts and activities.

I wrote a poem on the bus the other day on the way to work.  Here it is:

The M20

The stroller
The crazy old man
The couple with the scooter and the fan

Competition for the craziest corner in Sydney

Doesn't her tongue get dry
from her mouth hanging open all the time?

Are they ever going to restore or
tear down the old hospital

Broken windows
Graffiti
Camphor trees

Ring the bell