Monday Meditation

this was taken out the hotel window at noon on the official 3rd day of summer

Today is the first day that I have been able to just sit and relax and not worry about getting something done.  (I can't do any house hunting because we have paid for a month at yet another temporary apartment where we will be moving next Saturday.  We decided to secure something so we won't be homeless or moving at Christmas and New Year ).  I finished my Fabric Design portfolio/application and got it in on time.  I finished my one year basic stitching course at the Embroiderers' Guild and turned in my folder and final projects on time even though I wasn't sure I would be able to with all the crazy house stuff that has been distracting me.

watercolour design for fabric

design for silkscreen t-shirt print

design for screen print fabric - sorry the photo is terrible.  the actual color is  grey-green on white

some of my embroidery work.  the other photos are on my computer at the house.

my pulled thread final project yellow and green on white linen with a teal coloured fabric under layer.

I was proud of myself for getting it done but I don't really feel a sense of accomplishment.  I don't feel happy about it.  Maybe that will come later or maybe not.  There is a little bit of relief but also a feeling of loss that the thing is over and ended in a small way.  Obviously, I will still do needlework, and my fabric printing may actually be just taking off if I get into that program, but the push to complete the tasks and all the nervousness that goes with it, is over.
I realize, looking back over my life, that there have been so many things that I have started and either never fully applied myself to, or just plain quit.  I always thought that it was the anxiety of not doing well enough, of failing, that caused me to hold back.  But I think maybe there is also a fear that success might feel empty and leave me with a "what now" dilemma.  I don't want to sound too dramatic because thinking about this is not devastating in any way.  It just makes me think that I have to work on enjoying the process, and also have a plan for whatever next step I may want to take.

Right now, my next step is to sit by myself and enjoy the quiet, foggy day.  I am going to make myself some tea, listen to the drone of the air conditioning, and stare at the barely visible boats drifting in and out of the harbour.  Then I think I will look for a pattern on Ravelry to make myself a crocheted summer cloche.  I had one when I was about 10 years old made by my amazing Aunt Earline.  It was white with strawberries on it.  It was a very tight single crochet made of cotton yarn.  I loved it and would wear it now if I still had it.  That is what I have in mind for this project.  I got some beige yarn and a little bit of teal to make a stripe or some contrast.  hopefully I will have time over December to make it, then I can still have time to wear it to the beach and whenever it is sunny.