Constructing the Fictive Self

I was helping someone at work the other day, and I got distracted by something on his shirt. I usually try to be focused and efficient and not too familiar, when I am helping people, but, at the same time, I want to have a genuine human interaction. It makes my job more interesting, and, I think, most people enjoy a little friendliness. I just have to be careful not to go off on some tangent and forget what I am doing.

The easiest and most common thing is to comment on someone's baby or child. This almost always gets a positive response. If someone has great hair or an amazing eye color, I will occasionally say something, but usually, I keep those thoughts to myself. Since it is a fabric store, and I am keen on design and style, most of my remarks are about the clothes or jewelry or bags that the customers have. (I should note, I don't talk just to kiss up to people. I don't follow that annoying habit of asking every single person "what are you making with this?" I only say what I genuinely feel.)

So, this guy was at the counter, and I looked over at his t-shirt that said "je suis" - nothing else. The words were on what looked like a square, but I was trying to look more closely to figure out what the image was. I didn't want him to think I was staring at his chest, so I said "I am trying to figure out your shirt?" He said "It's french for I am." I said, "I know that" (I wish I had said 'je sait' but I only thought of it later). He said "are you french"? I laughed and said "no, but I know at least that much." He seemed truly surprised that I could identify french words.

It made me think, again, of how people assess me in public, and in new social situations. I deal with loads of people of different ages, ethnicities, and socio-economic backgrounds, and it is sometimes fun, but sometimes a challenge to read them all. I wonder if they are just going through their day blindly, replacing social interactions with anonymous routines and not thinking anything, or are they constructing a stereotype about me because I am working retail in a chain store?

Do I care what people think of me? Only a little bit. Not as much as I used to. The thing is, I am interested in notions of The Self. I am interested in lives as stories and people as characters. I am interested in how these characters are formed. I know that we don't live in a bubble, and all experience is partly internal (i.e. what we bring to it), and partly external. I believe that our personalities affect our lives as much as the other way around, and I believe that we are born into the world with a good part of our personalities or characteristics already determined.

I come from a family of eleven children. We are all variations on a theme. We were all raised by the same parents, mostly in the same house. Yes, things changed over time and there is a ton of environmental influence, but each of us has a little something that is completely unlike our siblings. We each are our own person with our own soul (if you don't mind me calling it that). I am almost 51 years old, and I look at pictures of the 5 year old me, and I see a me that has been there all the time, that hasn't changed, and never will change.

When I moved to Australia I thought, "This is a whole new phase of my life. I can try new things. I can develop parts of myself that have been neglected. I can start a new life. I can reinvent myself and be a new person. No one will know me, or have any expectations of me, so I can act or react in a new, stronger, better way." I didn't expect to go around lying or making up a false history, but I did think I could create new habits and new skills that might lead to new personality traits. I thought maybe I would become a little bit Australian.

Mira is taking a class at uni called "Constructing the Fictive Self". I was intrigued by this title. I know that it means 'creating the self in literary fiction', but I was playing with it in my mind and applying it to my situation. Can we construct ourselves? Can we invent a fictitious, new, self? Does the sum of our behaviors equal who we are? Are we what we do, and what we eat? People are always saying, "If you act a certain way, you will become that." "If you act happy or brave, you will become happy or brave." "If you act like a criminal, you will become a criminal". "Be the person your dog thinks you are."

As I said before, I do think that we are born with a certain personality. Whether I am in Oregon, or London, or Arizona, or Sydney, I am finding that my personality is stronger than my ability to invent a new self. Maybe I just let my imagination blow things out of proportion with enticing ideas of newness. Maybe I need to invite my actual self to the party and introduce her as my flawed but somewhat interesting self. Maybe I can wear a shirt that says "je suis". While I'm at it, I can try to see if the people around me are wheeling out their new and improved construction, or if they just - are.