Why Can't We Be Friends?

I grew up in a suburb of Detroit, Michigan during the '60s and '70s. I was taught, both subtly and blatantly, to be afraid of African Americans. I won't go into all the long stories and details. I am sure everyone has heard some version of them. I was also taught that racism is wrong, that America is founded on equal opportunity and fraternity, that we are all god's children. So, the fears were conflicted. I tried to understand the stereotypes and look beyond them, but I had to admit that they were planted somewhere in my brain.

When I moved to California I was confused and then shocked to learn that people there had a whole range of negative stereotypes against Mexicans and Latin Americans. I thought it was so cool to have the rich and interesting cultures of our southern neighbors. It was clear to me that the racist attitudes were absurd, wrong, and based in some kind of "us and them" competition.

My friend who lived in San Francisco said she was not being racist, but, the Chinese women in her neighborhood were stinky, pushy, they spit on the ground. They would try to cheat you in their shops.

When I moved here, to Sydney, I was thrilled by the huge amount of ethnic, cultural, and lifestyle diversity. There are just so many people from so many backgrounds. As a newcomer, I feel like we are all part of something bigger that is happening with the participation of everyone. I was told by one of the first friends that I met here that there was a lot of racism and prejudice here. I couldn't believe it as everyone seemed pretty open, welcoming, friendly and cosmopolitan.

I have been here just over five months now. I have met, had conversations, and socialized with what is starting to feel like a good deal of mostly nice people. As I meet people and get to know them, the subject of various social issues comes up. Topics like neighborhoods, housing prices, crime, schools, Australian history, even trees, can often lead to comments regarding racial or ethnic groups. Sometimes it is subtle, sometimes it is blatant and aggressive or self-righteous, either way, I am both confused and shocked by it.

As an outsider, I have the objective, unmarred perspective of seeing each person as a person, with no story, no stereotype that I could attach even if I wanted to. This is a beautiful thing to someone who is willing and wanting to start a new life with fresh, new experiences. As someone who is working to make friends, build a community, and "make it" in a big, new city, I can't help wondering what stereotypes people have of me and which of those are being held against me.

I understand that histories involve conflict, struggles and unresolved hurt. I understand that it is complicated for diverse cultures to understand each other and welcome differences. I also understand that it is easier to walk away from a problem and to minimize it by thinking of the other person in a category different to our own. It is easier to accept social problems like economic inequality and political corruption when we are focused on blaming racial or ethnic groups. "The schools are suffering because poor immigrants get no encouragement at home". "The universities turn a blind eye to under performing Asian students because their parents pay large sums to the school." "The Aboriginal neighborhoods are dangerous because the youth have no value of success and the parents don't care about where they live."

I can't remember all the small, subtle things that come up but I am little by little realizing that I have to call people on them. I want to judge each person by the quality of their values, by what is in their hearts. That is what I want to use to decide if I want to be their friend.